


Green is a bad colour

by thinasadime



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Colours, Depression, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad, Sexual Abuse, future self-harm, only Tyler has a name the rest are in colours
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2018-10-13 08:15:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10509867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinasadime/pseuds/thinasadime
Summary: When you're eight, it's only expected to be in a house with a mother and a father, maybe younger or older siblings, having playtime with friends, the usual.Josh Dun wasn't so lucky.Because when he was eight, his parents were so unbelievably unstable that his mother moved out and took him with his three other siblings to an unknown place for years. A place that was straight out of a horror film. A place where the sky was a muted bile colour and trees only belonged in rich people's houses.But that was alright, because he made friends.Yellow, Baby Blue, Purple, Navy and Green.If it wasn't so bad being so far away from his dad, he had Green to keep what she was doing to him a secret that he will take to the grave.But then a boy that goes by the name of Tyler Joseph moves in the same street. Josh can only hope Green doesn't do it to him too./Josh focused but Joshler nonetheless//trigger warning for basically everything. Self harm, sexual abuse,depression, and more/





	1. Where the story begins

**Author's Note:**

> If this makes you uncomfortable in any way then don't read it now because it'll only get worse in the next chapters. 
> 
> |-/

Josh was eight years old when she took them away.  They were gone for maybe.. A year? Two, at most. 

It was a weird place, thought Josh.  
It's sky was a muted bile colour, no trees whatsoever. 

There, he had friends. Not much of a surprise, considering the fact that he is extremely social and somehow managed to get friends whenever he wanted.  

Yellow, Purple, Baby blue, Black, Navy and Green. 

Those were his friends.

Yellow, she was a very quiet and shy. She was also very sick for the good amount of knowing her. 

Purple, she was a living version of Dora the Explorer.  It's weird, because he doesn't remember anything about her personality. Aside from the fact that she had a giant pool in her house.  When Josh asks Jordan about it, he says that never happened.

Baby blue, he was a gentle, calm and nice boy. He would let Josh rest his head on his lap while the Baby blue would brush his fingers through Josh's hair. Once, Josh somehow managed to scrape his knee and Baby blue was shushing his soft cries while pressing on the wound. 

Black, she was a girl that the Green's father never let him play with her. Said her mother was a slut and a prostitute. He acted like a second father to Josh,  since his was really far away.  

Navy, she was the sister of Green. She had short hair, and she was the nicest. He liked her loads, but never talked to her much because she was always with her mother. Josh never met their mother. 

Green.

Green was the worst. 

Green technically wasn't his friend, but his sisters friend, Ashley.

Green acted so nice and polite around Ashley, but Josh wondered if Green did that to her too. 

You see, Green was nice, yes, but she would always ask Josh to remove his trousers around her, and that if he did as told he'd get lots of nice things.  

"I'll give you whatever you want if you do it, Josh. "  
Josh never did though, but Green never gave up either.

Him and Ashley once has a sleep over on the roof of her house.

Ashley left early in the morning and it was only Josh and Green left.  
He was lying face first onto the ground, his eyes closed. Josh thought if he pretended to be asleep she may leave him for the day. But he slowly but surely feels weight on his thighs. 

Green was sitting on his legs, straddling his hips with her hands firmly pressing on his ass. 

Josh's eyes shoot open and he feels his heart start to quicken it's pace, but he does nothing.  
He can't wait for it to just fucking end. 

It felt so uncomfortable and weird.  

Josh didn't exactly know what to do, but it happened so often before that he thought it was normal. 

Thought that he just needed to stop thinking too much of it, being so scared and weirded out by it. 

He thought that she did this with his sister, too.

Josh doesn't speak, only waits for her to be done but it depends on her mood. If she's feeling down or pissed she can last for hours and it's exhausting for Josh. But if she's feeling positively then it could be over in less than an hour.  
But he hears her say, with of her hands on the him of his pyjamas.  
Josh's hand travel down to hers, in an attempt to pry them off but before he can, she slips her thumb under his pyjamas and shorts.  
She now has an easy and hard grip on them and if she wanted, she can pull them down effortlessly. 

"Come on, take them off. Your ass does look nice. If you do, I'll give you that truck!" Josh's eyes travel to the said truck and yeah,  Josh wants it, but it feels wrong.

It feels wrong. 

"I think I- um,  need to go. Mums worried about me, I'm late." He says hurriedly, kicking his legs and pushing her hands away.  Green doesn't argue, she moves away and Josh flees.

It was only a matter of time before he had to face this again, and all Josh can hope for is that it doesn't get any worse than it already is.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not what I have planned, this is not what I have planned..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shits getting real folks

 

_____

Josh hears in hushed and excited voices behind his sister's bedroom door, _"you should come over, it was so fun last time!" "Definitely, but this time I don't think Josh should be with us--"_  
and when Josh hears his sister's words, he never felt any more happier, he was finally going to have enough time to play with Baby Blue-

_"What? Of course not! Josh is my favourite, he's got to come!"_

The smile previously on Josh's face is now gone, replaced with a deep frown. His head hangs low and he walks away from the door, disappointment written all over his features.

_"Sure.."_

__________

As the clock hits **17:00** sharp he hears Ashley say,"Joshua! Get your sleeping bag ready, we'll be off in ten minutes!" He nods his head and starts to stuff his small plushies and a notebook and a pen.

Being neighbours meant not enough time for Josh to make excuses and go back home, so he attempted to joke around with his sister for the few minutes before they arrive.

When Green opens the door, she's got the warmest smile to ever exist, and if Josh wasn't so creeped out by her he would've thought she was some kind of an angel coming down from heavens.

"Come in!"

_______

  
For almost all night, the girls kept talking and giggling about things he didn't understand and so he spent most his day with Navy.  
She teaches him about cooking, telling him which utensils are used for what, letting Josh wear her high heels and both giggling at how Josh falls and stumbles and she lets Josh play with her hair and in return he lets her paint his nails. When the clock hits 22:00 Navy tells him to go to the girls' room to tell them to sleep, he walks upstairs and knocks softly.

"Hey, It's time to sleep, I guess?" Their talking slows down and now both look at Josh.

"Oh, yeah, sure." Green gets up and gets his sleeping bag, setting it a little to close to hers, while Ashley's at the end of the room.

He shrugs and walks in, pushing his sleeping bag a bit farther when Green isn't looking, leaving a little bit of space between them.

The lights are off, room completely silent. Josh closes his eyes, wishing to go to sleep and dream of Baby Blue.

_______

Josh wakes up to the strange feeling of something on his neck, strange feeling of somebody caging him and his wrists loosely restrained with a hand. Josh's eyes remain closed, something inside his head telling him that if he pretended to be asleep the monster will let him go. Monsters don't like dead people, right?

It's when the thing on his neck moves and leaves the spot a little wet that he realises that it was _**lips**_.

There were lips on his neck, moving and sucking and kissing. It's her. It's definitely Green. Josh feels her other other hand slowly traveling down. Suddenly, waves of fear wash over him strongly and he feels himself starting shake.

_She thought he was shaking from pleasure, not from fear. So she sucks harder on his neck and her hand move downwards.._

Josh lays there, with his eyes glued shut and his mouth pressed in a thin line, feeling her hand move from its position on his waist to his pyjamas and shorts, pulling them down slowly.  
Green doesn't take them off completely, barely a few inches but it's enough to make Josh feel exposed and naked.

Her hand run up and down his thigh, gradually making her way to his ass. Suddenly, her mouth is off and her hand from his hips, but still caging him with her big body (she's sixteen. Josh's only eight) and her other hand restraining his wrists.

It's almost silent, but Josh can't tell for certain because the blood is rushing to his ears and his heart is pounding so loud it's almost going to _explode_.

Not a minute after, her mouth is on his collarbone nibbling at the soft flesh and her hand is back at his hips, but they feel different.

They're ... _wet_?

His heart is beating like crazy and his breathing starts to get heavy. He wants to be out, he wants to go home, he doesn't want any of this.  
Her hand doesn't stay long on his hips, but it moves down. Instead of their previous place, she twists her fingers so they're between his legs.  
Her index finger starts rubbing his rim, threatening to enter, and that's when Josh breaks.

" _No! No, no, n-no, no_!" He screams at the top of his lungs, pulling his wrists away from her grip, eyes wide open and kicking his legs in all directions hoping to get her off.

_**Just get her off!** _

She completely backs off, and walks out of the room hurriedly. It's now that Josh can tell it was morning, the sun was shining brightly, and he's very out of breath.

Pulling his pants up as fast as he could, he almost decides to run out of the room before the door opens again with Green standing with a glass of water and breakfast in a tray and a smile on her face.

Josh doesn't understand her.

"Have some food before you go, your sister is downstairs."

____

He's standing at the door, so ready to get out before something is thrown at him.

_A scarf._

"Wear this, it's.. It's cold outside."

_**This is not what I have planned, this is not what I have planned.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written in one go, sorry for any mistakes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh successfully avoids Green, but that doesn't mean his dreams leave him alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed Josh's age from four to eight, because what I want Josh to think is way too mature for a four year old, even an eigh year old kid, but I don't want it to be too far off from the reality.   
> When this happened when I was four, I didn't think much of it at all. Thought it was normal and didn't even bother to tell anyone. I don't want Josh to think nothing of it like I did. I want him to be scared, to realise what's going on is wrong, to be worried and not ignore it.  
> So yeah, Josh is eight now. I'll be going back to the past two chapters and change anything that needs to be changed.  
> Anyway, enjoy.

 

"Come in, dear." The old lady on the door says, opening the door wide and letting him in.

  
He goes upstairs, to the all too familiar room painted a bright blue colour.

Baby blue opens the door after hearing a small knock, instantly knowing it was Josh.

"Buddy! I missed you so much, I'm so sorry I couldn't hang out with you, school's been a huge pain!"

Josh says it wasn't his fault and envelops the thirteen year old into a bone-crushing hug, a huge grin in his face.

He picks Josh up and throws him playfully onto the bed, something they always did.

Josh notices he really didn't like laying on the bed anymore, vulnerable and helpless. He knows baby blue would _never_ lay a hand on him, but- 

"So tell me, how was your day?" He says from his position on the desk, back facing Josh as he pays attention to his home work.

Josh allows himself to obandon that thought, "great! I'm even staying the night, has mom told you?" At that, baby blue turns to Josh, an expression of surprise painted on his face.

For a moment Josh was scared, _what if he didn't want Josh around? Maybe he had too much work and he needed-_

"That's _amazing_!" he almost shouts, excitement obvious on his face.

They start playing around with colouring books, drawing and singing and dancing and doing so many things Josh couldn't keep up.

Eventually, the boys get tired and head for bed _-after getting yelled at by baby blue's mother to "go to sleep or you won't get any ice cream for the next week!"-_ Changing into pyjamas and having a small pillow fight. Baby blue and Josh snuggle into his bed, too close but Josh didn't mind. He felt _safe_.

It's then that he realises Josh didn't take off his scarf.

"Hey, um, why're you wearing a scarf to bed?"

Josh freezes. How is he supposed to answer?

 _Oh, nothing just Green kind of mouthed at my neck or did something like she bit my neck and licked it and gross stuff and she left all these weird bruises that I really don't want anyone to see so she gave a scarf as I was leaving_ ?

Josh knew at this point it wasn't normal what she was doing, even it felt bad, but he just didn't exactly know how to stop her. He had a feeling if he told anybody it would end up really bad.

"Nothing, I just like this scarf a l-lot?" It comes out as a question as Josh gets progressively more and more anxious.

_What if he knew? Would he stop talking to Josh? Would he do the same? What if he tells my mom? What if he tells Green's dad? What if-_

"But it's really hot here, Josh." Baby blues tone only gets more suspicious and concerned as he asks further.

"I just w-want it o-on, please d-don't take it off." Josh starts shaking, wishing he would let go of the subject.

He sensed something was wrong, but he didn't press any more. "It's okay, you can keep it on if you want. It's getting late, let's sleep." With Josh hiding his face in his chest and baby blue holding Josh protectively to his chest, they fall asleep.

( **11:30** )

______

_"Get on the bed." Josh stands at the door step, confused. What does she mean by that? He stares at her as she stands in front of her closet, playing and looking at weird bottles, as if trying to choose one._

_"I said in the bed. Now!" Her tone turns sharp and demanding and it makes Josh so scared he runs over to the bed and sits down._

_She sighs, irritated. Walking over with one of the bottles she was looking at, she places it on the night stand beside the bed and pushes Josh down until he's laying flat on his back._

_Josh hates the position, but he's too scared to move or disobey. He's laying in the middle of her bed, clutching his hands together in fear while she stares at him as if she's going to eat him. Josh doesn't think that's a good thing._

_She climbs in, straddling him . Her hands run up and down his sides, sighs leave her parted lips, grabbing his shirt at the him and pulling it up. Josh's hands fly to hers, in an attempt to pry them off._

_"Hands off!" She shouts, slapping his hands. Josh retreats them quickly, horrified as she roughly pulls his shirt off._

_"Stop, what are you- what are you doing?!" Josh frantically yells as she starts undoing his pants._

_Josh now lays on the bed, completely naked underneath Green, with nothing to cover himself as she looks at him from head to toe._

_Tears start to prick his eyes, he's so scared, he's being touched everywhere and he doesn't want it, there are hands all over him and he just wants to go away and he feels so exposed._

_She leans down to his ear and whispers, "Boys don't get raped, Josh. Don't try going to your mama, no one would believe you. You want this." Her hand pinning both of his small hands above his head , the other reaching for the bottle on the nightstand._

_"I don't, it hurts, stop. Stop, it hurts!"_

_________

"Stop, no!" Josh kicks and thrashes underneath her, screaming and trying to escape her harsh grip.

"Josh, calm down, it's okay."

His eyes open wide, unfocused and looking around him in confusion. The room he's in is lit, not dark and scary. There aren't any hands on him, no body on top of him, his clothes still on. 

"Hey," someone says, grabbing Josh's attention instantly. His eyes travel to the figure lying next to him, worry splattered all over his features.

"What was the nightmare about?" Baby blue asks calmly,  giving him a chance to let it all out.

 _Josh was having a sleep over with baby blue, it was all just a dream. He was safe_.

Tears start to freely fall from his face with a shaky sigh or relief.

"Don't cry, it's alright, it was just a dream." He holds Josh close, rubbing comforting circles on his back.

_Josh hopes that stays a dream, never to come true._

Unable to stop the tears, Josh only hides in baby blue's chest, willing himself to stop acting like a baby and grow up and stop crying.

Eventually, Josh stops crying and goes back to sleep, not noticing the sun beginning to rise.

Baby blue doesn't sleep though, not when his eyes are fixed on the small boy's neck where the scarf failed to cover. 

________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I mentioned Josh was scared too many times?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn't alone. 
> 
> Josh doesn't know if he's happy with that or not.

" _Josh! Where the fuck have you been_?!" Josh simply stares at his mother, standing at the doorstep.

He woke up late in baby blue's house, resulting in being three hours late to the time he was supposed to be home.   
Josh doesn't attempt to argue, find an excuse, he simply apologises quietly and pushes past his mum. The night was exhausting, and he didn't have enough sleep.

When Josh reaches his room, he changes his clothes to something re comfortable, not stopping to stare at his neck. He already feels disgusting, he doesn't need to be reminded.

The scarf is off, but keeping it close. He doesn't want his mum or older siblings to enter his room and find blue bruises on his neck.   
His mother is the " _it's the victims fault_ " type, she'll blame him and tell him, " _you wanted it_."

And if she found out, he will say he didn't, but who will believe an eight year old?

Green was sixteen, from a very well known and respected family, who would think she'd do such a thing?

Josh sighs and lies on his bed, eyes fixated on the ceiling.

He misses his dad.

He would treat Josh like he was a princess. He would let Josh sleep in his bed, covering them both in his big blanket, allowing Josh to hide away from the world cuddling the one person that showed he cared.

Don't get Josh wrong, his siblings are the best, they just get difficult with him sometimes, especially Jordan. Being the oldest has its pros, such as blaming Josh for everything because he was a kid.   
And his mother was an idiot - _to put it nicely_ -.

She would never believe him no matter what, even when he was right.

Though, that wasn't the case with his father. He would let Josh tell his part of the story, listening intently, not interrupting once.

Not only that, but buy him the coolest things. If Josh wanted something, most chances he would buy it for him.

Josh wishes he could go back to where his father was, get away from Green and hide in his dad's bed, under his soft, big blankets-

"Josh! There's someone on the door for you!"

Snapping out of his thoughts, he scrambles to get the scarf tucked under his pillow and putting it on.

He rushes downstairs, coming face to face with Yellow and Purple.

His mum awkwardly opening the door to let the little girls in, letting them all sit on the couch.

"Hey?" Josh's tone is questioning, Yellow and Purple never visit him after all.

"Let's go to my house," says Purple out of the blue. Confused, Josh excuses himself to his bedroom to change his clothes into more appropriate ones.

Tying his shoe laces, Josh adjusts his scarf, "let's go."

_________

Purple's house is the farthest, so they end up passing by all the others'.

They're joking around, talking, walking mindlessly until he sees yellow shiver, her eyes dropping to her feet and her hands go to rub her stomach as she stops walking all together.

Josh stops beside her, knew she wasn't cold, he himself was sweating lightly under that scarf so he _definitely_ knew it wasn't from cold. Josh hears purple asking what's wrong, but not getting an answer makes her go quiet, waiting for something to be said,

He looks around, looking for anything that could've scared her, but he saw nothing on the street.

His eyes go up, scanning the houses from left to right, and Josh's eyes land on _Green's house_.

Josh cringes, his neck start to itch and his body tingles.

He breaks his stare to look back at yellow, only to find her eyes wide, looking straight into his.

 **It clicks**.

A small gasp leaves yellow, bringing her hand to her mouth in pure horror.

Josh signals for yellow to start walking, whispering to her to start walking faster until they reach her house.

"U-um, I'm sorry purple, but I think yellow's mom wanted me to make, um, cookies with her today! Yeah, I'm sorry, I completely forgot. We can hang out later, yeah?" Josh asks hurriedly, grabbing at yellow's hand to pull her to her house's door.

"Oh, sure!" With that, purple says goodbye with a surprised voice and walks away. No further questions asked, Josh was glad about that.

She opens the door with shaking hands, clutching at Josh's hand, nails digging so bad he think he might start bleeding any moment.

He can't blame her, he's scared shitless too.

Her mother asleep, they sneak into her bedroom, trying to stay as quiet as possible considering their ragged breaths of panic.

The moment they're behind the door, she sinks to the floor, her back pressed against the door, sobbing freely in her hands.

Josh doesn't know how to comfort her, after all, he too wanted to sob like there was no tomorrow.

"I-I'm so scared, Josh, I'm so, so s-scared," she says, sounding so small, like she was going to break any second.

"I am, too," Josh chokes out, backing away from her, not wanting her to be frightened any further.

The cries stop eventually, as Josh waits on her bed, becoming only hiccups here and there. Yellow stands up, her face flushed, with tears staining her cheeks.

She walks towards Josh. When she's close enough, her hands rise to his scarf. Josh flinches, _he doesn't anyone seeing what's underneath._

But he lets her, he knows she needs someone that understands what's going on.

She tugs the scarf off slowly, making sure Josh knows what she's doing.

The scarf on the floor, his neck open for her eyes to see.

"It's okay," he hears her say as she pulls her shirt up to reveal a little part of her stomach. They're covered with bruises just like his, but looking more fresh.

" _When_?"

" _Yesterday_."

Josh's heart breaks a little. Yellow was a fragile girl, of course green would take advantage of her. So unfair.

" _When_?"

" _Two days ago_."

A few tears escape, rolling down his cheek and fogging his vision.

She lets out a sigh, bringing Josh close in a tight hug, her hands brushing through his hair comfortingly, letting him cry on her shoulder.

  
" _ **I didn't want it, I swear, I swear I didn't want it**_!" Josh whispers against her shoulder, small sobs coming from his mouth with those words.

" _ **It's okay, I didn't either**_."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, they're both eight.


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, my name's Tyler. Nice to meet you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost three months. I hope this was worth the wait.  
> Unedited, I just wanted to get this out. 
> 
> Enjoy.

  
The sound of trucks and cars speeding, stopping the opposite of Josh's house, the sound of dirt crushing underneath the weight of the tires.  
It's the early morning, and Josh certainly didn't expect to be woken up at six in the morning by the sound of cars and joyful giggling.   
The sun is streaming from outside the window, glowing the room in shades of orange-yellow-white. Even with the sun, the sky still resemebles vomit. He looks around the room.  
His sisters are still sound asleep, unaffected by the sounds outside. _Lucky them_. Josh throws the duvet covering his small body aside, rolling off the mattress to the floor, pressing his face to the hard, cold surface as if it'd wake him up more. With a yawn, he stands up, venturing through the small house to the other room, where his mom and brother lay. They're asleep, loud snores coming from his mother.   
He turns his heels and rubs his eyes, heading to the kitchen to fix himself a breakfast.   
A breakfast that was basically a small bowl of cereal and a glass of water. Good enough. He takes it to the couch, staring at the TV. His mother's asleep, what she doesn't know wouldn't hurt her.

  
Josh tries to make as less noise as possible, seeing as the spoon gets heavy in his hand and almost bumps into the glass bowl. It's too early, so why are there kids laughing outside?   
Josh takes another spoonful of his cereal, eyes fixated on the TV.   
There's a woman talking on the screen, her face bored and voice monotone.   
_One day you'll kill yourself,_ Josh thinks, staring at her dull face.  
And if she ever did, he doesn't want to witness it.  
The bowl now empty, the woman stops talking about the weather and it cuts to commercials.  
He takes it to the sink, washes it and puts it back in the cupboard. Wiping his hands messily on his pyjamas.

  
The clock above the TV says it's 6:33. Perfect, what can Josh do now?   
He slumps onto the couch, eyes heavy. He fell asleep around two in the morning, being up only four hours after wasn't exactly the most comfortable of sleep.  
The movie playing was uninteresting. people talking far too fast for his tired mind to catch up with.

What he heard though was someone shouting, "Tyler, don't you dare ruin my white shirt!"   
Tyler? Who was Tyler? Josh knew everyone around here, whatever this place was.  
There was no Tyler anywhere around here.  
Only if someone moved in.  
Oh.  
That explains the cars and trucks.  
Josh goes go the bathroom, takes a quick shower and brushes his teeth.  
It seems like Josh was making new friends today.   
_________  
Around 4:30 pm, Josh decided that lying on his bed wasn't the most fun. The weather was starting to heat up, and that only added to his lists of reasons he should hate this day.  
The new neighbours had trucks coming in all the day, and Josh discovered that he hated the sound of the tires sliding against sand too much. They had four kids, or that was as much as he saw anyway. Three boys, one girls.   
They weren't all that old, either. Didn't look like any of them was above 16.  
That meant there was a good chance he could make friends with at least one of their kids.  
But aside from that, he had to go to yellows house. Her mom had mentioned she's been feeling sad lately, and she only talked to Josh. Josh knows why, and he had a fairly good idea as to what to do and cheer her up.   
The air outside is hot, making him glad he didn't need the scarf anymore. Josh would be a sweaty mess by the time he's halfway there.  
The walk is short, maybe three minutes.

  
Her house was the tall, narrow one with gold at the end of the street. It looked small - _very_ \- from the outside, but it was fairly decent from the inside.  
The bell is loud.  
When the door opens, it reveals yellow in colourful pyjamas.   
Her honey eyes, dirty blonde hair, and pale skin made her look like the rays of the sun.   
A shocked expression passes her face, "what are you doing here?"  
Now's when Josh goes all sweet and shit, smooth words and funny jokes to bring a smile to her lips.  
"Well, a not-so-very-small bird told me that you've been down these past few fays, so Josh comes the rescue," he says, exaggerating with his hand movements, sounding like some fucking guy in a kids show. Overjoyed, obnoxious, but he guessed if that's what it took to cheer that golden muffin then so be it.

  
She let's him in, the smile formed on her face worth the fight.  
They sulk around the kitchen, playing around with this and that. Occasionally looking at the TV and listening to the radio.  
"Nothing's good these days." She nods her head.  
"So I heard you're upset, what's up?"   
Eyes look all over, the couch, the sink, the TV, but they never land on him.  
"Your usual, dearest."

  
Oh, well, okay.

  
"Uh, come over to my house and manage to convince my mom to get on the roof?"  
"You're out of your mind?"   
Josh guesses he is.   
"Then, I don't know, come over and we'll figure it out. Maybe even let you teach me something of your amazing skills in the kitchen."   
She rolls her eyes, on of her hands go up to play with a stray strand of hair.   
"Then how about we get baby blue and purple and go to that edge? A group suicide, what do you say?"   
The edge was something to resemble a cliff, but really it was a house that was destroyed to the ground, and that left a huge dip in the ground. It was very low, lower than the street. Not enough to kill you if you fell, not in Josh's opinion, but it sure as fuck could do with some broken bones. Considering they're tiny eight year olds.   
She outright laughs at that, nodding her head.  
"Sounds nice."   
_____  
The journey was quite short, they went to purple's first, then to blue's.   
It has been, what, a week since he last saw him? Over a week? Fuck, Josh doesn't remember a thing. The time's flying by way too fast for him to catch up.   
"Hey, um, is purple here?"   
Considering it's around 4 pm, Josh figured that she'll be allowed to go out.   
' _You can't trust people, Josh. If you stay out too late you might get kidnapped. And when you do, they'll cut you open and take your organs out, sell them to people_.'  
As if he minded.   
"Yeah, wanna get in?" The lady's voice is sickly sweet. Is that a theme to mothers? You can't be a mom unless you sound like the sweetest and nicest person.   
He guesses it isn't, because his mother doesn't speak to him that way. Maybe it isn't to all moms.

God knows.

  
"No, thank you, but can she come with us? I promise I'll get her home before the dark sets in too much. " Josh says, putting on a convincing smile. Yellow stays quiet the whole time.   
Something crosses her face before she agrees and goes to call her daughter.  
What did she think? Josh was going to sell purple to the devil? _Fuck you, honestly._   
When she comes out, she has the brightest smile known to man kind.   
"Take care, kids."   
Josh doesn't look behind, he walks off and waits for the other two of catch up.  
His day was fucking shit enough, he didn't need bullshit from that woman.   
With a sour face, he tells them to walk faster. The faster he got to see blue, the sooner his day was getting better.   
The girls chat beside him, about things he doesn't really understand.   
They eventually do reach his house, Josh jumps to ring to bell as many times as he could before the door opened. He always did that, so the old woman knew it was Josh.   
The door opens, and the old woman looks down on him. Her expression lightens tremendously.   
"Oh, honey, he's in his room. Want me to get him, or do you want to do it yourself?"   
Josh says he'd rather go himself, mentioning for the two to follow him.  
Josh runs up the stairs, standing in front of his door. He knocks as loud as he could without hurting his knuckles too much.  
"Come kill yourself with us, it's gonna be fun." He makes sure to say as the lady is downstairs.  
The door opens to reveal blue with a severe case of bed head.   
"You know, it's nice to wake up to the idea of killing yourself, isn't it, Josh." Blue rubs the sleep out of his eyes. "it's the reason I wake up in the mornings."   
A smirk passes blue's face, "go sit on my bed you three while I get my shit together."  
Blue was the oldest of them, being thirteen.  
You'd wonder what a thirteen year old is doing with a group of eight year olds. Not even Josh knew, but blue said that he enjoyed their company far more than people in his school.   
Josh and the two get in, sit on his bed while blue takes a couple of clothes and storms out to the bathroom.  
"I've never been here," purple says, her eyes flying from wall to wall.   
"It's nice, isn't it?"   
They both nod.   
"Is that a guitar?" Yellow's voice cuts in, loud and high.   
Josh looks to the side. "Oh, yeah. It's an acoustic, he played me a couple of things. He's really talented." Josh goes on.  
Blue ends up walking on them with Josh on the acoustic, dragging his fingers across the strings, making weird noises and the two girls giggling as he pretends he's making a master piece.   
______  
"So, where are we going?" Blue asks the moment they're out of the door. Josh mentions for him to come closer, and whispers in his ear, "the edge. Yellow's upset, I'm trying to cheer her up. So help me with that." He nods.   
"Sure."  
And so, Josh walks with blue and the two girls walk together.  
It's always that way. Except for the rare times green is with them. She tends to stick to Josh's hip.  
But she's not here.   
They chat about nothing in particular.   
This and that, did you see the new episode of whatever and whatever.   
"Hey, have you seen the new neighbours?"   
Suddenly, as he said those words, three sets of eyes stare right at him.  
"Who?" yellow asks.   
"You know the house the opposite of mine? Yeah, they got there this morning."   
"Does that mean new friends?" Purple claps her hands in excitement.   
Josh nods.  
"Yeah, they aren't really that old. I hope we can make out something of them."   
"You sound like you're gonna rob them, Josh."  
Blue chuckles, getting three kids to laugh in return.  
"You know what I meant."   
______  
Yellow's legs swung from the edge, her eyes focused on the ground below.   
"When I said a group suicide, I didn't mean it, y'know." Josh nudges her shoulder, noticing her intense gaze at the dirt.   
"I know." She chuckles."I was just thinking."   
He throws a supportive arm around her shoulder, hoping to comfort her some way.   
If he could stop green, he sure as hell would. If not for him, then for the hopeless girl beside him.  
"Hey, it's gonna be alright eventually," Josh says, rubbing her arm comfortingly.   
Her eyes snap back to his.  
"You sure?"   
He stays quiet, because no, he's not sure.   
He settles with a "hopefully."   
"Hey, you two, what secrets do you share that we don't know about? " purple asks playfully, seeing as they were whispering to each other.  
Blue just stares suspiciously at them.

  
_(He did see specific things on Josh's neck the last time he was over at his house. Blue was concerned, because Josh was the farthest thing from interested in those things. But he couldn't just assume, he couldn't just walk up to him and say, "So who's the sick fuck that decided it was a good idea to give an eight year old boy hickies? Mind if you tell me?" He had to figure it out.)_

  
"So? Share your secrets with us , we're cool enough, I promise!" Blue says, an edge to his voice.   
Josh eyes him for a second before going, "Sure."   
Josh let's out an exaggerated sigh, "Come closer."   
Yellow's eyes widen, wondering is Josh really would do it. She'd fucking _kill_ him if he did.  
Blue leans in, his ear lined with Josh's mouth.  
"I'm not wearing any underpants."   
He immediately turns his head away, face palming with a groan.  
"Josh, you disgust me."   
They throw their heads back into a laugh.  
"Thanks, I disgust myself too."   
As they're laughing, Josh can head the sound of footsteps, sand crushing underneath weight.  
He turns his head back, and Josh sees a small boy, possibly younger than them by a bit walk towards them.  
The boy notices Josh looking straight at him and stops walking, almost looking scared.  
"Um, I'm sorry to interrupt you, I'm just, uh, lost and I don't know how to go back, I'm sorry," the boy babbles, words fast and almost slurring together.  
Blue, purple and yellow turn their heads back to look at him.   
"Oh, hi!"purple greets, hands up in a wave.  
"Don't worry about it. So, you're the new in town?" Josh asks.   
The boy nods his head yes.   
"That's so cool! We haven't had anyone new in so long," yellow says, her tone high pitched with curiosity.   
"Hi, my name's Tyler, nice to meet you."   
"I'm Josh. This is blue, purple and that's yellow. Nice to meet you , too."   
Sneaking a glance at blue, Josh knows he's about to ask about a billion questions, so he says, "you wanted to go back home? It's okay, I'll show you the way. You live exactly the opposite of me."  
The boy's - _Tyler_ \- face lights up.   
"Thank you so much."   
"If you don't mind, we're coming too. Get to know you a bit, y'know." Blue mentions for him and the two girls.   
Tyler nods, "that's no problem. I'd like to know my new neighbours. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we finally have Tyler in the story.  
> Eight year olds making suicide jokes. Great job, me.


	6. 6

"where are you from?"

The walk back is a lengthy one, considering the edge is in a different neighbourhood Small chats form between them, but die quickly as the new boy wouldn't engage in. Josh eventually asks, his face turned to him.

"The city."

He was, too, but why would anyone leave the luxurious life of the city to live here, where trees only belonged to rich kids' houses? If he had the choice, he would go back, he wouldn't even be here in the first place. Friends come and go, he can deal with losing blue and yellow. He'll come back to them once he's old enough. It isn't like he doesn't have friends in the city. He had loads, too much, almost. Josh is your casual popular kid with high grades and nice face. That's all it took to become popular in the city. Be your parents' pride and joy, and have a pretty face to go along with. There you go, now everybody wants to be your friend.

"Oh, that's cool, me too!" Josh says, lacking a bit of enthusiasm. "Why did you come here then?"

"I, um, I don't know. It was my parents' choice." It still confused Josh. Blue, being the perfect human being he is, starts up a conversation Tyler is able to keep up with. Things like how old are you -he was nine which was a surprise to all of them. He look too tiny to be nine-, what's your favourite colour - turned out to be red. Red suited Tyler-, tell us a bit about your self -his voice cracks every now and then, Josh noticed. He said something about colouring being his favourite thing in the world next to his keyboard that he got for Christmas last year. Other things were mentioned, but Josh wasn't focusing on them.- "Josh, you're with us?" Yellow taps his shoulder, snapping him from his thoughts. He nods, the voices around him drowning once again. Josh was just now realising this. Everyone, well except his family, here had a colour. They were colours, and some were just nothing. Then why did Tyler have a name? Without even a background to match him? Usually, when Josh thinks of something, even when it doesn't have a colour of it's own, there's always something in the background of his thoughts on it. Tyler has none of that. When things, or people, didn't have a colour it meant that they were invalid in his story, in his head, but Tyler wasn't? Tyler was possibly a new friend, and when he heard he liked his keyboard more than anything in the world, Josh was very intrigued. Josh averts his eyes from the ground and to Tyler. Nothing. It was as if he was looking like one of his family members. Nothing, no colour surrounding him in anyway. This was too much for the mind of an eight year old to handle, so Josh decides to do what he does best. Join the conversation and ignoring the questions nagging his head. "So Tyler, tell us a random thing about you," purple asks, her voice high. After a bit of hesitation he says, "I like pomegranates a lot. Like, a lot." He says, and Josh has to admit, his passion about pomegranates is adorable.

They spend the rest of the walk like that. Eventually, they reach Tyler's house. "Oh, thank you all. I would've died if it wasn't for you," Tyler says, smiling big, showing his slightly crooked teeth. "Yeah, it's not problem. That's my house, so if you want anything, I'm right there." Josh says, his hand gesturing to his own house. Tyler smiles thankfully, waving and saying his goodbye as he walked to his home. "Hey, how about you come over to my place and we can overdose on prescription medication? You know, my mom has lots of those. Enough to kill the four of us, what do ya say?" Josh asks, his hand making weird gestures with his talking. Maybe Josh was saying things like these a bit _too_ much- "Dude, lead the way," blue says, the two girls squealing in agreement. His sense of humour was accepted here. Good, good.

____

Josh just can't get Tyler out of his head. As he talks and laughs with his friends his mind somehow, someway wanders back to the boy's pretty face. His pretty face and pretty, full lips and pretty crooked teeth and his cute stuttering. Josh wanted to be friends with him real bad. There was something about him that Josh just couldn't place his finger on. There's yelling and laughing in the background of his thoughts, muffled words that slow pull him from his thoughts. But what does snap his attention is the scream that purple make right in front of his face. He jerks back, hands up shielding his face in fright and confusion. "What the fuck was that?" Josh breathes out. "You aren't paying attention to day, what's up?" Blue pops in, his eyes narrowing in a questioning manner. What was Josh supposed to say?

_Oh, I'm just very intrigued by the pretty boy that lives from across the street from me because he's so shy and not very talkative it makes me want to have a sleepover with him and get to know all his secrets?_

"Nothing, I don't know what you're taking about." Josh shrugs, begging someone to change the subject one way or another. "You, uh, sure? Because you've said nothing the entirety of the time we've been here. That was an hour ago," yellow says, tilting her head to the side. Her eyes scan him up and down and Josh notices the movement. He catches her eyes and he can see exactly what she's asking. He slightly shakes his head, and her posture relaxes visibly.

_No, she didn't do anything to me_ _._

"So, I'm bored. Let's just suggest things to make this a little bit more fun. Blue, go first," purple pipes in, noticing the tension starting to build and attempting to distract them from it. They seem to get it as blue suggests they get a laundry basket and slide down the stairs. (Pillows and blankets at the bottom of the steps. They were stupid, but not stupid enough to risk breaking a bone.)

________

Blue and purple leave eventually, after almost breaking Josh's face only a couple of hours earlier. (The blankets weren't as protecting as he thought they'd be. Well, they were okay, but most certainly not soft enough for a him to fall face first on them from a full speed laundry basket. His osw fucking hurts. Experiences, experiences.) Yellow stays the night. After Josh's mom makes an effort to convince her mom, but she does it anyway because Josh totally wasn't on his knees begging her silently as she spoke to the phone. They're on his bed, the lights off and the only thing that lights up the room is a small table lamp. It's good enough. "You've been kind of off today, talk to me, Josh," yellow says, concern lacing her words. Shit, he didn't want to worry her when she's already had a bad day. _Good job, Josh_. Josh tries to word his thoughts appropriately in his mind. "No, please don't worry. Nothing happened, I just have someone on my mind," he ends up stuttering out bashfully. Her expression changes from one of worry to curiosity, a wide grin making its way on her lips. "Someone, eh?" Josh feels a blush creeping up on his cheeks, "yeah."

"Yeah, who?" He takes in a breath before saying, "the new kid. Tyler." "Why?" She asks. "I don't really know, doesn't he seem a bit different?" She stares at him for a second, thinking of ways how the kid would be different. "I don't know, he's just shy?" Josh doesn't know how to tell her that he doesn't have a colour, but does yellow even know she's a colour? This gave him a headache and even though he wanted to know, he let it slide. It's one of those things that he might get once he grows up, Josh thinks . "Are you sure that's it? You've been off since the morning. You can tell me anything, you know," she says, her hand moving to rub Josh's arm in what she hoped was a comforting way. Yeah, Josh knows he can tell her anything, I mean she knows about her and that's his deepest, _darkest_ secret ever. It's just that Josh doesn't know what's been up with him this day. "Don't worry, I'd tell you if something was wrong. Now sleep because I have a headache and I don't want to get yelled at because I was gossiping about a boy in the middle of the night." She snorts and drops on his bed. Josh shoves his face in his pillow while she curled up on herself. "Night, sunshine." "That's so-" she starts before Josh stops her, "I know, stupid but don't you dare start your rant right now. Sleep, you rat." She chuckles, "and a good night to you too, idiot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. It'll get more interesting soon. I hope.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh really didn't like days like these.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you still remember this exists? 
> 
> Very poorly edited so excuse mistakes here and there it was four in the morning. 
> 
> It's shit, but enjoy if you can.

Yellow goes back to her house that morning, and Josh stays with the suicidal lady stating the weather and the tint of orange outside the window in the  
kitchen.  
This never meant anything good.  
Orange meant this feeling when you're so scared you're certain that you're gonna die, the tightness in your chest that crushed your ribs and made shards of bone slice your heart open.

  
The orange, dusty brown tint of the sky never meant something good.  
For whatever reason, it just read bad luck to Josh.  
He feels completely unmotivated and, dare he say, scared a little bit.  
He wants to lay down on his bed, face first and sleep the whole day. Wait for the day to pass, and then hope for the best tomorrow.  
He looks down at the bowl of cereal, seeing it only about half empty and notices that it's got all soggy. Yeah, Josh hated that.  
As everyone was still sound asleep, he made extra effort not to hit the spoon with the edge of the bowl as he attempted to drink the left milk in it.  
His mother would've killed him if he at least hadn't finished something in that.  
His gaze went from the bowl to the window, seeing the new house.  
Josh for some reason really wanted to be friends with the new kid.  
Tyler was new, so Josh could act like he's perfectly normal.  
This was his opportunity. It was time for Josh use the persona of the charming, little kid he is in the city.  
Even though Josh fought against his actions, sometimes he'll flinch whether he liked it or not, or jump easily.  
It was embedded in him at this point, and he really had to be careful around Tyler. He doesn't know him, he doesn't want to figure out that Tyler happens to be a mean bully that'll bully Josh for what green's been doing to him.  
Josh is far too fragile for that. Although he doesn't want to admit that he is, he is. Tyler looked too shy and sweet to be a bully, but you never know.  
You can't know someone by just looking at their face.  
Though, Tyler had a gorgeous face. That Josh simply can't deny.  
The crooked teeth and the nose, god, his fucking nose.  
Josh would stare at it for hours if he could.  
His eyes are focused and unfocused at the same time, it's as if Tyler's listening to you and his mind is somewhere else, like painting a picture for whatever you're speaking of. Josh really liked that.  
The sound of footsteps snap him out of his thoughts and appears a messy haired Ashley.  
"Hey, what are you doing so early up?" She squints her eyes, staring at his and scratching at her head.  
Early? It was seven in the morning, what early was that?  
"Unlike you, I actually wake up nice and early because I don't like wasting my day."  
She shakes her head and walks to the fridge, pouring herself a glass of water.  
"You are so weird, Joshua."  
"Tell me something I don't know," Josh grins widely.  
After a moment of silence, where Ashley was drinking his water and Josh was aimlessly staring at his now ruined cereal, Ashely speaks out,  
"So, why is green so obsessed with you? Like, she always asks you to come over when it's supposed to be a girls' night. Are you two friends, or whatever?"  
She asks, her voice raising a little bit with an annoyed undertone. She was ranting. Of course she'd be annoyed, she just wanted a day with her friend without her brother to interrupt.

  
His throat closes up, and his eyes go wide.  
_What was he supposed to say,_ fuck. His mind races and his heart beats far too fast, but realising that of he didn't saying anything right about fucking now she will be suspicious.  
"U-uh, something like that, yeah. We're friends. Why do you ask?" Josh's eyes are wide as he talks, but his sister doesn't seem to notice the uncomfortableness pretty much fucking radiating off of the small boy.

"Well, since we haven't been to her house in about three weeks, we're going today at around noon. And she wants you to come, again."  
She huffs in annoyance, putting the glass down and heading out of the kitchen and towards the stairs again.  
"Don't be late. We're staying the night."

Josh gulps and nods his head, mind racing at what today's little session will be like.

Yeah, Josh didn't like days like these.

* * *

  
The bag josh had prepared for their little stay had consisted of three pairs of pyjamas (as he liked to change throughout the day) and a notebook and a few of his least favourite pens. He didn't want to lose one of his favourites and then have to go back and get it, Josh wanted to stay out of that house as long as he lived.

Josh hides for the majority of the day in Navy's room while she was with her mother, scribbling away in his notebook, about nothing in particular.  
There's a knock on the door and it opens as Josh is drawing a drum kit, and stands there his sister.  
"Hey, what are you doing here? I've been looking for you for a while."   
"Uh, I was just conferrable here. Navy was out and i- I thought maybe you two wanted some privacy? Like, girls, and all, I don't know-" Josh chokes on his own tongue and stutters, only stopping when his sister interrupts him.

"Joshua. Calm down. What's up with you today?" Although she's mildly annoyed by him, her eyebrows knit in concern and her words drip of worry.  
At this point, with the amount of bruises and finger-shaped ones all around his body, his mind has started picking up on what to do in these situations. Lies aren't hard, it's how convincing you are. How fast your brain can think of a flawless lie, how you pull off the right expression.  
So Josh is pretty confident when he spits out, "of course I'm okay. I haven't had good sleep yesterday, mosquitoes ate my bloody arms!" his voice goes a little higher at the end, putting the lie to a well framed end. Scratching his arms for emphasis.  
The worry vanishes from his sister's face, and he's met with the same annoyed one back on. "So, why didn't you turn on the fan?"  
"Um, excuse you, I'm a cold blooded monster, I would've froze right then and there."  
She huffs and rolls her eyes, "dumbass. Collect your stuff and come in green's room. Navy's coming soon, and we're going off to bed in a bit as well."  
Josh's heart picks up a little and he stutters out more then he would've liked to, "u-uh, is there any possible way I, uh, could stay here? I'm sure Navy wouldn't mind!" She shakes her head, mentioning for Josh to pick up his things.  
"No, Joshua. She's a grown woman, she needs her space and privacy. Now, up," she says. Josh, defeated, picks up his pens and heads to his sister's side.

They walk down the hall way side by side, Ashley not noticing her brother shaking in place. Josh counts his steps.   
Fuck, she notices absolutely fucking _nothing_.  
A part of Josh was pissed, but another was relieved.  
He didn't want her to know, but he kind of did. In the sense of, if she knew this could stop, and Josh would finally be free of this, but not because Lord knows what she'd do, y'know?  
Tell his mom, and if she knew it would immediately be Josh's fault.  
And it could be. Josh doesn't know.  
She might even disown him, who knows.  
Josh shakes his head, wiping his thoughts clean as he enters her room.  
The lighting is dim, and she's on the ground where the pile of pillows is.  
They lock eyes for the first time in a couple of weeks, and Josh instantly regrets not staying in Navy's room.  
Last time they met Josh had bruises on his thigh like her fingerprints.  
"Hey, Josh!" Her sickly sweet and energetic voice rings across the room, and her eyes are burning into his. Josh holds the stare for a few seconds longer, "hi."  
He closes his eyes and heads straight in, ' _rudely_ ' shifting his pillows and blankets away from hers as they were (just like always) put far too close to green's.  
At this point Ashley has already laid down on hers and started talking about whatever, but green still stares at Josh with wide eyes.  
_Was she really shocked he pulled his things away?_ Josh thinks and breaks eye contact with her. He lays down with his pens and notebook underneath his pillow and closes his eyes as the background music becomes his sister and friend talk.

Josh momentarily regrets doing what he did, but let's his mind wonder and wait until midnight strikes.

Josh knew her all too well.  
The lights were off at one point, their voices ceased to a stop, exchanging Good night's and then silence filled the room.  
Josh fought to stay awake and see what she will do, but as the time went by and he was almost sure it was at least around three am at that point, he allows himself to relax and close his eyes. Thinking that maybe, just maybe she was letting him off this time.  
All the time he spent in this place never had he had a day off if you will.  
This might be his lucky day, after all.

* * *

  
Josh would've giggled if it was anyone else, but when he felt the long, thin fingers travel up his shirt and down his sides, he shudders and flinches awake.  
See, now Josh had been terrified before. The first he realised what she was doing wasn't right, he freaked out so bad he contemplated running away and living with the shame alone. Dying somewhere, hopefully.  
But this time, it was by far the worst. Fear travelled up and down his spine, clouding his vision and shortening his breath. He can feel the rage radiating off of her. He made her angry this time, and there was no doubt in his mind that this will be much worse than anything she's ever done.  
He can feel her hot breath near his neck when she whispers, "what, you're running away from me now?" In the pitch black darkness he can tell her face is red, as that tended to happen when she get mad sometimes. He's never really seen her like this, but lucky wasn't Josh's middle name.

  
The darkness made it almost worse as he didn't know where exactly she was. All he can do is feel where she is making him hyper aware of everything surrounding him. The sheets underneath him, the blanket thrown to his side, the pillow beneath his head and the heavy breathing of hers.  
"Fucking _answer me_ , I know you're awake," her voice rings right in his ears, dripping anger. He knows she's very impatient, but he chooses to purse his lips and shut his eyes tightly. It does nothing, as the room was just as black as it was behind his eyelids. Millions of thoughts are running around in his head, and Josh notices his body is slightly shaking.  
"You're fucking asking for it," before Josh can process her words, his shirt is pushed up to his face.

  
She's rough, not wasting time on what she usually does. Slowly pushing down his bottoms and making him more anxious with every small touch. Instead, she's clawing at his skin and leaving scratch marks across his chest, not paying attention to lower his pyjamas before her hand travels down.  
She huffs, slowing down for a second as if hesitating when she reaches her destination. Really, she wasn't planning on doing this now, but in a fit of rage she quickly decides to press her finger to his hole and push in without a notice.  
His heart jumps to his throat, threatening to crawl out of his mouth and onto the floor animatedly. Josh's eyes screw shut, a fist balls the sheets underneath him. He tries his hardest not to make a sound but can't help the gasp that escapes him the second he feels it.  
Quickly, he slaps a hand across his mouth, not letting further noise out. 

One wrong movement and his sister wakes up.

  
Though, he can't help the harsh and irregular breaths from his nose, filling the otherwise silent room.  
It didn't necessarily hurt that much, but Josh was beyond disgusted and nauseous. It felt shameful, unwanted. More exposed than he's ever been in his entire life. _And oh God, oh God when does it fucking end, when does it stop, oh god_ \- he  snaps out of his haze when she starts pumping it in and out.  
His head snaps from one side to other, trying to block the feeling out. She continues as she feels the boy underneath her shake.  
Still in, she stops for a second. Long enough for Josh to think she's had enough, even though she didn't pull out. Maybe she wanted to torture him for a few more seconds before letting him go. So, Josh let's his hand fall from it's place on his mouth and gulps in air, desperately trying to fill his lungs from when the sheer panic knocked the wind out of him.  
He knows he's wrong when her other hand travels from it's place on his side to his mouth and press down hard, so hard that Josh can't even move his head. His hands automatically go to hers, attempting to lift it up. He immediately stops when he feels a second finger, sudden and intense pain shooting throughout his body. His eyes open wide, and his nails dig into her hand. Josh's chest rises and falls rapidly,whimpers making their way out of him and he's going to die. He feels so _orange_ and he's _dying_.

 _God, he's fucking dying_. 

  
It hurts so bad, but she doesn't stop. Not even when he's sure he's made her hand bleed with how hard his nails digging, the pain didn't seem to faze her. Tears start to flow down the sides of his face and he wiggles the bottom half of his body, resisting with all he's got to break free. Josh just gets a slap on the hip and it stops him. The room is starting to light up, not so dark anymore so now he's able to make out the body atop of him. His body is becoming so hot, hair sticking to his face and he can feel the air cooling the sweat on his exposed chest.  
He's trembling, he feels light headed and he just might throw up in that exact moment.   
Aside from her fingers working him too hard and too fast, he can't notice her hand drifting from his mouth to rest on the nape of his neck, lifting his throat so that she can bend down and bite.  
His hands fly to her shoulders and his nails dig in as hard as he possibly can and he gets slight satisfaction from making her feel pain. It's nothing compared to what he's going through. Fuck, it's absolutely nothing. It takes all that he has to only make a low cry leave his lips. She stops at the sound, looking at the direction of Josh's sister.

  
She's still asleep.

  
The tears flow down the sides of his face with a small sob.  
Josh can't exactly see her face's features as the room isn't that lit yet, but he stares where he thinks her eyes are and fucking _pleads,_  
" _Please.. stop_."   
Josh is certain his wrecked voice of pure pain and desperation for her to stop succeeds. Because the next thing he knows is she pulls her fingers out, with a wince from him.  
She gently leans down and presses a soft kiss to the bite mark and then gets up from her position on top of him.  
She quickly falls back into her little mess of blankets and pillows and Josh doesn't hear a thing after that.   
Safe for his heavy breathing and gasps here and there. It's as if nothing happened, like she didn't do what she did and she was just asleep. The tears don't stop for a while, but eventually Josh collects himself enough push his shirt down to it's right place and adjust his bottoms right. The mere thought of anything going near him, even his own self is enough to make him twitch.  
He grabs his blankets that were thrown to the side and buries himself underneath them, closing his eyes and praying for it to be a nightmare hell soon wake up from.

 

Josh wakes up with a scarf wrapped around his neck. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was bad. I know. School isn't letting me have three hours of sleep, let alone write. 
> 
> Comment if you want. Point out what's bad, what's not too good. Dunno, do whatever. 
> 
> Have a nice day. And if it doesn't turn out to be nice, then watch some dog videos.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was the most orange I've ever felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm sadly not dead.   
> This update is as shitty as it gets, but i guess I tried.   
> It's unedited and written (kinda) in one go. 
> 
> Enjoy, if that's even possible.

"God, are you okay?"   
Josh hadn't had a minute of sleep, which made him look appropriately tired.   
And since he hadn't had any sleep, he was anxiously waiting for the second his sister woke up to tell her he was leaving early.   
He had pretty much ran out, with what had to be the weirdest yet feeling he'd had leaving that place.   
To say Josh was confused and conflicted was an understatement.   
His throat fucking throbbed, even the soft fabric of the maroon scarf was far too rough for it. Josh wished it was the only part that hurt, fuck, if anything it hurt the least. Josh's chest was marked with scratches up and down, also on his sides. They burned with each move, painfully reminding him that what happened was in fact real. His lower back had a dull ache, one that could go unnoticeable, but the reason that it aches makes it hurt a thousand times more.  
At this point, he was fucking drained. His haunting thoughts wouldn't let him be. And with no sleep and fear coursing through his system, he decides to hide under his blanket until God knows when.   
Josh was conflicted, mainly because this same person that's been putting him through hell the second their eyes meet was his sister's friend. Best friend, not even just a friend.   
Did she know about it? Was she letting it happen? Or was she peacefully oblivious to everything?   
He doesn't know what to believe anymore. He has no where to go, except for yellow. No one will ever want him after this, his skin has been marked far too many times to count now, he's been touched in places that weren't supposed to yet, who would want him after that? No one, surely. The thought depressed him to no end. He's a mere toy for her to enjoy, she's got him exactly where she wants him to be. Josh can feel her on him behind his eyelids, She could fuck him senseless and he wouldn't spit out a goddamn word.   
He'd never be loved, he'd never get the one thing he wanted really fucking bad.   
Josh wanted to grow up, have a job, a spouse and a family. He want to come back from work and be greeted with a kiss and affection for the rest of the thing. Even though these things are in at least twenty years, he had the fucking right to dream of something that was possible.   
Was.   
Something that has been painfully ripped away from him and shredded to pieces right in front of his goddamn face.   
And even if he wanted to be a filthy liar and pretend it never happened, he can not bear the idea of a body close to his in any way. The mere thought makes his stomach flip and threaten to spill it's contents.   
He can never be happy when he's older and that's purely his fault.   
He brought this upon himself. He very much did. All he was supposed to was to be smart and not fall for her tricks, but he was a fucking idiot.   
God, he hated himself with a burning passion. He'd ruined himself and he can't get out of it.

Josh didn't understand how... Things like that happened, and he was afraid that there was more to it.   
Was there a next level? If there was, was it more painful? Thinking about yesterday sent memories of pain to his lower back and he almost flinches.   
It really was a lot of pain, he didn't know how he held it in so well. Maybe it was the fear of his sister waking up and finding them the way they were.   
She'd probably think it was Josh's idea, and then she'd tell his mom and she'd disown him. Not only, but his dad would know and he wouldn't want him anymore because he's filthy.   
It brings tears to his eyes, but everyone has the right to be disgusted of him.   
Josh shakes his head, attempting to clear the cluster fuck that is his mind right now.   
"Yeah, why do you ask?" He lies smoothly, far too tired to be nervous or anxious.   
"You look like you haven't slept well, what's the matter?" His mother asks, eyeing him with concern.   
"Yeah, couldn't sleep. Dunno, it just wouldn't come. I'm going to sleep now though, hopefully I'll be better."   
He gets up from the kitchen table and goes straight to his room. His mother says nothing else and let's him speed walk and flop on his bed.   
The curtains closed, the lights off, Josh pulls the covers past his chin and the pillows over his head. He was going to sleep and not allow anything to penetrate his mind.   
The warmth of the blanket makes the scratches on his chest burn, and the pillows and the scarf put pressure on his throat, but Josh feels more comfortable than he had in a good while.   
Sleep strangely comes easy, his eyes close and the world melts away soon after.

Josh doesn't fall asleep for long though, he's awake thirty minutes later feeling far too overheated with the many layers and blankets he's got on him.

Thirty minutes of restless sleep was better than nothing.   
Josh was used to the bad dreams, he handles them pretty well if he has to say, but today's was a tad bit overwhelming. It felt too real for it's own good. He could particularly feel her hands roaming up and down, feeling him and eyeing him with a strange look he has yet to explain. Arousal? Lust? Hunger? he couldn't tell. Josh brushes it off, guessing that if he thought too much of it it'll only get worse for him.

One thing he knew though, is that he needed to get to yellows. He needed to tell someone who he knew wasn't going to judge him.

Outside, the weather was trippy. The sky remained it's puke colour, but air surrounding him felt hot. Not to mention all the shit he's been wearing. He counts his footsteps as he makes his way to the end or the street, allowing himself to sneak a glance at Green's house.   
His eyes landed on her bedroom, where images of things that had taken place the night prior burned his mind. Josh didn't know it would take such a tool on him, he expected it to be like every time. He'd be on edge for a day or two, and then pretend it didn't happen. There was always the fear of her getting farther into her actions, but none of them came to until yesterday. Maybe that was the reason, maybe it was the newfound fear of her realising how much power she has on him now that she did what she did and he didn't tell a soul. Well, yellow doesn't count.

He drags his feet away from the house, desperate to just reach her place. Tears sting his eyes but he wouldn't let them fall, at least not until he reaches yellow.

His small hands Shakily knock on the wood door.  
Once,   
twice,  
thrice,   
The door opens and there stands her mother, with pretty, short, curled up in tight curls hair and orange lipstick that made her skin look so much whiter than it is, and a beautiful light coloured dress accompanied with black kitten heels.  
After all, her mother was very young in age and he wondered for a split second if she was leaving somewhere or if that was just her look for the day.   
"Oh, honey, what happened?" The lovely looking woman crouches down, worry splattered across her face. Adults feel protective over children, well most do, and that was probably why she looking so concerned.   
She runs her hand across his face, and sure enough, she was wiping years.   
God fucking dammit, Josh. All you had to do was not cry in front of anyone, was that really that fucking hard to do?   
"I'm- I'm fine, is yellow here?" Josh says, his hands flying to his face and pushing her hand away.   
"Oh, yeah, sure thing. She's upstairs as usual, do you maybe think a cookie would cheer you up?" She cracks a hopeful smile, looking at him with big doe eyes.   
He allows himself this one, and let's his lips lift up into a tiny smile.   
"That, would be lovely," he says and makes his way to the stairway.

"Hey- wait, what's wrong?!" Josh would chuckle at how fast her change of emotion was, that, if he could keep his cries low enough so her kind mother would not hear.

"It's- it's her! It's always her!" He cries as she grabs his wrist and drags him inside the bedroom.   
He lets himself fall face first into the pile of sheets and soft mattress, burying his shame and guilt.

"What did she do this time?" Yellows voice was soft, gentle and not accusing. She sat on the bed beside him and slowly starts to rub his back.

When Josh falls silent, yellow gets slightly alarmed. Josh told her every thing she's done to him, why couldn't he now? How could've she hurt him so bad he couldn't speed a word out? Or maybe it was he was just nervous?   
Maybe-

"It hurt so bad, I didn't want it," he whispers brokenly.  
"I know, I know you didn't Josh," she says reassuringly, her hand not stopping her work on his back. She hoped she was comforting him and not making him feel worse.

"what do I do now?" He says miserably.   
"Why did you even go there in the first place? You know she was after you after avoiding her like that."  
"Why do you think I wanted to go? Like I jumped at the idea of having a fucking sleepover at hers? Like I had a party after my sister told me without leaving room for question to pack some clothes?"   
His voice becomes louder and more high pitched, disbelief coating them.   
Yellow immediately takes her hands off of him, holding them up in a defensive manner.   
"Calm down, I didn't mean it that way. Jesus Christ, do you need a glass of water?"   
She scoots a little away from him, "I'm sorry."   
"It's alright, I could only imagine what you've been through."   
Silence settles between them, allowing Josh to slip deeper into his guilt of lashing out onto the only person he has.

"What did she do?"

It's ever so rare that they ask what happened to the other, but this time Josh looked and acted different.   
There was no doubt that Green preferred Josh. Even when green had her time with her, it was nothing against what she did to Josh.   
Yellow didn't know why, but it was just how things were. And one of her fears was her getting too far with Josh.   
She's heard her mother talk about these stuff with Black's, and even though she doesn't fully understand, she believes she has at least an idea on what it is.   
And from what she heard, it could either be the best feeling they've ever felt, or the worst.   
The thing that yellow didn't understand was how could something feel good but also bad?   
That was mind boggling, but she'd know sooner enough.   
What scared her at this very moment, was that Green made Josh feel the worst feeling he's ever had.

Josh doesn't speak for a long while, but she knows to be patient.   
"I don't know how to explain it, it's embarrassing," he ends up saying, his face heating up.  
"It's alright, don't be embarrassed. I've told you plenty, it's only fair you do too, you know." She keeps her voice gentle and encouraging.

"I'm not telling you , sorry , not this time. But for reference, it was the most orange I've ever felt."

She doesn't object, but instead leans in to give him a hug.   
He seems hesitant in the beginning, but quickly returns the hug right back with a huge sigh.

"I'm torn between wanting to sleep all day, because I didn't have any sleep yesterday, or going put. What do you think?"

"Personally, I wanna get to know that Tyler boy a little more."   
As they rush down, they see yellow mother putting a tray in the oven.   
"Oh, no, leaving already? What about your cookies, Josh?"   
Josh smiles politely, " thank you Mrs, I should come back in a little bit, but if I don't do you mind saving one or two for me?"   
That makes her face break in a motherly smile, "of course, honey. Are you feeling any better?"   
"I feel loads better,thank you!" It's the last thing he says before he rushes after yellow into the street.   
"Take care!"

That was how they ended up begging blue's Grandma to let him out with them and sneaking to the front door of Tyler's house.   
"Who's gonna knock?" Blue asks, his hand running through his hair as if to make it neater.   
Josh straightens his pose and goes for it.   
One,   
Two,   
And the door opens to a giggling Tyler, with all his fucked up cute teeth.   
They eye him with confusion until his laughs tone down and he goes, "I saw you from the window over there. Nice encouraging speech blue, you're good at it," he says, bringing his hand to wipe his eyes as he smiles stupidly.  
Right, so he caught blue giving Josh a speech to knock the door, big deal.   
Except Josh was flushing red, and he cradles his head in his hands.   
Blue gives a light laugh, "why thank you, I'm very experienced."   
"So, any reason behind your showing up?"   
"Uh, you fancy coming with us?" Yellow asks, hoping to get a yes.  
"Sure, let me ask my mom." With that, he sprints away and the next they hear his voice is when he's shouting, "mom, please, I'll do absolutely anything and everything you want, please!" The group turns to one another and grin, how cute.   
Tyler comes rushing back, in the mindset of putting on his shoes and putting on a light jacket.   
"I hope I didn't make you wait long,"   
"Oh, no worries, we had fun hearing you beg to your mom."   
"Shut up, I probably have to wash dishes because of this!"   
And it's nice this way. Josh likes it when it's his friends and they're all smiley and giggly. Even though he still wouldn't day Tyler's a friend, he definitely seems like he would be very soon.   
"Where are we off?"   
"Somewhere, wherever this lonely road leads," blue says dramatically, lowering his voice and furrowing his brows.

"Josh?"   
"Yeah?"   
"You were staring."   
Josh finally realises he's been looking directly at Tyler for the past at least five minutes.   
"Sorry, you're just pretty."   
Could've Josh just said he zoned out when he actually was? Well, of course not, because he's got to be awkward.   
Except things don't go as bad as Josh thinks, and Tyler only breaks into a shy smile.   
"Why, thank you."

They stay roaming around for a while later, settling on sitting on the edge for the rest of their day.   
That day, they learn that Tyler once cut one of his eyebrows because he saw his mother trimming hers, and that's why he has a bald patch on his right eyebrow.

"Interesting?" Yellow offers.  
 

         "Interesting indeed." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next update isn't gonna be in another for months and a half.

**Author's Note:**

> This happened because I woke up the day I was supposed to publish chapter three for "You say that you love me, but you act like you don't" but for some reason it got deleted 
> 
> fml


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